2018 showed up like that surprise party you didn’t want—full of drama and awkward moments. We fought like cats and dogs, but somehow, the war ended before the next episode. The arguing dialed down, but life was still a hot mess. Now, don’t get me wrong, I know marriages aren’t exactly a walk in the park, but seriously, if you love someone, why make it feel like you’re trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube blindfolded?

So here’s where the plot twist hit me like a rogue dodgeball. We were leaving my sister’s place when I spotted Mr. Neighbor—nice-looking, white, average height and build, basically Mr. Mid-Range. I scoped him out because, let’s be honest, our love life was on life support. (Spoiler: That didn’t improve much, but hold tight.) Then, out of nowhere, Heartbreaker (that’s my soon-to-be ex, by the way) turns to me and goes, “Would you do him?” Yep, “do” as in, you know, the horizontal mambo. But seriously, how do you even “do” someone? Sounds like a weird game of Twister.

Honestly, I don’t remember what I said—probably some awkward mumble—but no, I didn’t jump into bed with Mr. Neighbor. However, that little moment lit the fuse for what came next.

Somehow, the conversation flipped, and Heartbreaker suggested I get a boyfriend for sex. Our bedroom was basically a no-fly zone, so this should’ve been the flashing neon sign that our marriage was toast. But nope, my brain took a coffee break, and I went along with it. Found a guy on Facebook (because where else?), met him at his place, and let’s just say the decor screamed “Please leave quickly.” I came, I saw, I conquered… and the sex was surprisingly great. This dude had a bit more to work with, if you catch my drift, and even threw in some oral action—something I hadn’t experienced in ages.

I told Heartbreaker about my extracurricular activities, expecting a meltdown. Instead, he got turned on. Suddenly, he was Mr. Passionate again—making out on the couch, sneaky finger plays when the kids were at their dad’s (thank God for timing). Then he dropped the bomb: “Record it.” I was like, “Uhhh, okayyyy…” So, I recorded the sounds—no visuals, keep it PG—and Heartbreaker played it on repeat like it was the hottest mixtape of 2018.

But here’s the kicker: Heartbreaker obsessively listening to me with another guy didn’t exactly save our marriage. Nope, it sent things into a whole new level of confusing that I’m still trying to decode. Stay tuned for the next episode of “What the Heck Happened?”!

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