Alright, buckle up. I remembered how I found out about the conversations with the ex. So there I was at Universal Islands of Adventure in Orlando—Heartbreaker’s idea of fun was hopping on a rollercoaster. Me? Nope. I’m the official “I’ll hold your phone and stuff” person because, ya know, I’m smart. While he’s screaming his lungs out on the ride, I’m trying to send myself pictures from his phone. Suddenly, BAM! Her face pops up on the screen like a bad sequel to a horror movie. Same creepy vibe as when you see an ex’s email ping during work. Shaking? Oh, you bet. That day turned into a dumpster fire real quick.

It wasn’t just about those other women anymore—it was the fact that Heartbreaker was chatting up everyone else like he was running a beauty pageant but couldn’t muster a single “You’re beautiful” for me. Seriously, he called one of the kids’ moms “beautiful baby momma” but to me? Crickets. Depressed? Check. Surrounded by two fools? Double check. And guess who I still wanted? Yup, Mr. Heartbreaker himself—the guy who earned his name with a PhD in heartbreak.

Now, hold onto your hats because the dumb times get dumber. I threw a 45th birthday bash at my place. Started drinking at the crack of dawn because obviously, what else would you do? By party time, I was way past tipsy—more like “let’s make questionable decisions” level. The big brain move? Inviting my boyfriend. Yes, the boyfriend. What was I thinking? No clue. I remember him showing up, me dancing on tables like a wild banshee, but after that? Total blackout.

The next morning, Heartbreaker filled me in—turns out, he and the boyfriend actually exchanged numbers while boyfriend waited for his cousin (who was off doing one of the family members, because why not?). Heartbreaker said everyone was giving him side-eye like, “How the heck did this guy get invited?” I can only imagine the family’s bewildered expressions. Welcome to our marriage, folks—where drama was the main course and nobody had a clue except me… and even then, I was too late to the party.