Sorry for ghosting on Monday updates—I was in a car accident and my right arm, aka my typing sidekick, decided to stage a rebellion. To add insult to injury, my dad’s cancer took a scenic detour to his lymph nodes. So, if you could send some good vibes and prayers his way, that’d be awesome—he’s got to stick around for more family drama!

Alright, buckle up because here comes the chaotic saga of Heartbreaker and The Other Guy. So, Heartbreaker had this genius idea to listen to me getting it on with some other dude—on repeat. Yep, he basically turned himself into a human eavesdropping machine until he decided he wasn’t gonna have sex with me anymore. Why? Because apparently, in the audio, the other guy’s performance was so epic that Heartbreaker felt like a sad trombone. I tried to soothe his fragile ego by explaining it was just about the other guy’s slightly longer, uh, equipment. But nope, Heartbreaker wasn’t buying it. And boom, that’s when the marriage started doing somersaults off a cliff.

Heartbreaker’s brilliant move? Telling me to find a boyfriend. My equally brilliant move? Actually doing it. Because when your husband feels like he can’t measure up to some phantom audio sex star, what else are you gonna do? From there, the relationship hit the express train to Disasterville, and I tumbled into a black hole of despair I thought had no exit. Meanwhile, Heartbreaker went back to his charming ‘asshole’ ways, and my new boyfriend? Oh lord, he was a whole soap opera.

Turns out, Boyfriend was my teenage boyfriend from back when I was fifteen—still supposedly head over heels for me and tried to find me right after prison. Yes, prison. Because when you’re young and dumb, apparently trying to prove your manhood involves some jail time. I thought, hey, better the devil I know, right? Except I didn’t know him anymore. He wasn’t physically abusive, just a narcissistic maniac who believed his opinion was the gospel truth and everyone else was wrong. But here’s the kicker: when he looked at me, I could see he actually cared. He called me beautiful, sexy, and loved showing me off. Things Heartbreaker never did. Heartbreaker never looked at me like he wanted to devour me whole, but Boyfriend did—with a creepy kind of hunger.

So, picture me stuck between a shark and a crocodile—two beasts equally ready to bite, and me just trying to figure out if I should scream, run, or join a circus instead. What a freaking mess!