Before we dive in, let me first apologize for being late with the next chapter of my saga. Life decided to hit me with a combo move like it was auditioning for Mortal Kombat. The work week? Oh, it didn’t just get away from me—it sprinted off into the sunset without leaving a forwarding address. On top of that, my dad gave me the ultimate “plot twist” of the week by telling me he was diagnosed with lung cancer. (This man already defeated prostate cancer a few years back, so honestly, at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if he started wearing a superhero cape.) He had surgery to evict part of his lung, and yeah, it was a LOT. So, thanks for hanging in there while I try to keep my life from turning into a Lifetime movie marathon.

Now, before we get started, let me remind you—this is a judge-free zone, alright? I can practically hear you gasping, “What is she about to say?” Don’t worry, I see you clutching your pearls over there. Just know this marriage was its own soap opera, and yours truly played the lead role in “Dumb Decisions: The Musical.” I mean, I really committed to the part, folks.

For five years, this dumpster fire of a relationship raged on. I’m talking uncontrollable, out-of-hand, Smokey-the-Bear-would-be-screaming kind of flames. It didn’t matter what I did or how many happy moments we tried to create; the drama cycle continued, like a toxic version of Groundhog Day. But oh, did I try. I laced that man UP! He went from a tiny, out-of-the-way apartment to a lovely rental home (which, by the way, he should’ve already mastered since he bought one with an ex-girlfriend… yeah, let that sink in). I upgraded him from hokey pokey motels to suites, then to full-blown resorts, and even theme park property stays. And let’s not forget the annual passes to Disney and Universal. I mean, who doesn’t want to argue with their spouse in front of Cinderella’s castle? Magical.

But back at home? Oh, it was less “happily ever after” and more “Call of Duty: Domestic Edition.” It felt like a war zone most of the time. That is, until 2018 rolled around—because, oh boy, did 2018 come in hot with some unexpected plot twists of its own. Stay tuned.