So, picture this: May 2020. I can’t remember what I was doing—probably binge-watching something or trying to adult—but I got hit with a wave of suspicion. You know that feeling when your gut says, “Something smells fishy,” and you’re not even near the ocean? Yeah, that.

I decided to play detective and pulled out our phone bill. BAM! Felt like I got stabbed by a thousand tiny text messages. Every morning, starting at 5 AM—because who else texts at 5 AM?—he’s texting this mystery number back and forth like they’re planning a secret mission or a bake sale. And this was while he’s getting ready for work, driving to work, and working. Meanwhile, me and him? We barely texted like that even when we were in the same room!

So, I track down the number and call it. Guess who answers? His “ex-girlfriend.” He always said she was never really his girlfriend—as if she was some mythical creature he never wanted to claim. Like, “Ex-girlfriend? What ex-girlfriend? I don’t even know her!” But spoiler alert: they did more than just exchange awkward glances at Starbucks. They allegedly never kissed but, uh, did other stuff. Yeah, we talk about past relationships openly—no jealousy, just honest awkwardness. But this? This was a whole new level of “Are you kidding me?”

Flashback: When we were job coaches for corporate America (fancy, right?), I found out about her by pure accident. We’re in a morning meeting, and he’s supposed to start it, but he bolts to the restroom. I’m on his computer because I’m that prepared. Suddenly, an email pops up—a picture of her in short shorts and a tight shirt. To his WORK email. She worked in the same department, and he was always hanging around her desk like a lovesick puppy. I never thought much… until this moment.

He comes back, I’m shaking like I just saw a ghost, and I just swivel the computer toward him. He apologizes like he’s been caught stealing candy, but won’t spill the tea. I find out from a friend of his that they were “together” right before we were. I’m stunned. More stunned that he didn’t just go talk to her right then and there—I had to tell him to man up and do it! That’s when he drops the classic “we were together but not like that” line. Yeah, thanks for clearing that up.

Back to the present drama. I don’t even confront him hard, just say, “I know.” He says it’s “not like that.” I’m like, “Bruh, five months of texting like you’re pen pals? Come on.” I remind him she kept it up because he kept responding—she thought she had a shot, was in love with him since forever. He gave her his number for “job opportunities.” He swears in his mind it was just friendship. Friendship that texts at 5 AM and calls late at night? Yeah, right.

I told him, “No one calls or texts me at 5 AM. Boundaries, dude.” Apparently, boundaries are like a foreign language to him. And guess what? To this day, he still hasn’t learned any lessons!